Beauty that Hurts

Sometimes as the sun rises behind the trees

painting the sky with her fire

kissing the clouds with colors
I dare not insult
by attempting to describe

my heart breaks

my eyes well up with tears

the beauty is so overwhelming

it hurts

This sunrise from yesterday was just so. I grabbed my camera and tried with futility to capture what I was seeing, feeling...it was impossible. IMPOSSIBLE. So I sat and watched the show in silence. That was a possibility in which I could dwell.

Freedom-Ride

Freedom-Ride 1. For the past four and a half months the word wheelchair has been synonymous with the phrase "freedom ride" for me. It still is the best way for me to be out and about with my family. It helps prevent fatigue and lets me to go places I couldn't without it; like clothes shopping with the girls (Three times since the the last two ms exacerbations started), to a museum (We've been to two since, well, you know.) or (ick, sigh) a large medical facility. (I don't get out much.) The first time I used it that was not how I was expecting to feel, but ultimately the first trip to the mall turned out to be a valuable and joyful experience. A few hours ago I was able to take another kind of "freedom-ride". The school nurse called to say Belin needed to be picked up early. Her arm/shoulder/back/neck injury has been really causing her pain again this week. Gordon was on the phone in a work meeting.

I had driven with him on a maiden voyage in the car one day last week during vacation to see if I could make it back and forth to the schools if need be. My right foot/ankle is not as strong as it used to be and I fatigue easily. Also if there is a lot going on around me (motion/noise) my "circuits" become overloaded and it is hard for me to focus or make decisions...my reaction time and coordination are affected and I fatigue even more rapidly...so you can imagine why driving has been an off limits activity for the past months. Not an official decree from my doctor, but a personal choice for the safety of my fellow humans as well as myself. Gordon agreed that I could handle this short 5 minute ride to the school and 5 minutes back if the girls waited at the front door of their schools and I didn't have to walk in...that would be too much. So Mom to the rescue.

Freedom-Ride 2.
Me being a rebellious artist type... I took my camera in the car, just in case. Belin got into the car, kind of dazed from pain. I noticed a lovely arbor of trees right next to the parking lot.

"Belinny, I know you are hurting...is it ok if I snap a photo of those trees. I'm driving. I'm free. Please?"

"Um, sure Mom".

"Thanks sweetie. This is my freedom ride!...Do you mind if we take the dirt road home? It's so pretty back there."

Somewhat spacey from pain reply: "Yeah, whatever".

(Ok, maybe I was being a bit selfish, but it would only add a couple of extra minutes and maybe the beauty would lift her spirits and make her feel better too...)

(Bingo) "Mom pull over...look at the light on the snow on that branch!...Give me the camera!" So I did. And here's her shot:

Then there was a car behind us...definitely on his way somewhere important (I know this because he was very close to my rear bumper!) We had to find a side road to turn off on.

I'm so glad we did,
'cause we also saw this...

and this...

and then returning up our driveway
back home again
this...

Freedom-Ride 3. My meditation today has been a chesed practice. Chesed means kindness so basically a metta practice for my Buddhist friends out there. I began this particular practice last night after having expressed some fiery words toward the afore mentioned daughter; a reaction to something she really should have done but didn't...it's a long story. Once she went to bed and I calmed down, I was able to receive the valuable parenting lesson I was foolishly trying to protect us both from learning: Letting Go. By compassionately letting go of my need to fix/control her actions- mind you my child is no longer a little girl but a 16 year old teenager- we could both taste freedom.

Belin: freedom to make mistakes and live with the consequences and eventually learn from them.

Me: freedom from the anxiety born of wanting to prevent her from making those (have to acknowledge this) valuable mistakes.

Deeper compassion can grow from this kind of realization. I'm not talking about complete eradication of anxious thoughts or the desire to make everything right for my girls. Thoughts and desires will show up; as long as I live, I'll be a mother and these concerns about my daughters will definitely arise. Not surprisingly, I had a conversation about this with my Mom this morning. The freedom-ride I'm talking about here is one in which I choose not to hop aboard a particular train of thought: the "what if express" bound for...feeling more BOUND. When I choose to watch the anxiety rolling on by instead, I am free to compassionately glide back to the present on my own breath. This morning my chesed mantra practice was a gentle catalyst that allowed me to calmly and courageously get in the car, pick up this occasionally frustrating but always precious daughter of mine, playfully re-discover the snowy landscape outside our Gnome Mound together and enjoy this brief and slightly winding freedom-ride home with her, where she could cuddle up in bed and rest her achy shoulder and I could continue to take photos of the shifting shadows and light on the snow through the windows of our home.

Looking for meditation support and an on-line sacred community?
Check out my friend Jan Lundy's 28 day meditation challenge @ www.awakeisgood.com
I also offer one-on-one meditation support and creativity coaching services @

www.shinethedivine.com

Word for 2010: Awareness

Looking through my posts I noticed that the word I used most for a tag since I began blogging nearly two years ago was...AWARENESS...and of course I didn't realize it until I stopped to look!!!

Awareness. Awareness of my inner world...of the slightly larger world that is my body...the next step beyond that, my family...the view from the windows of my house...the window to the world that blogging has become for me.

What am I aware of in this moment?

sound of the pellet stove
tingling sensation in my right foot
tension in my jaw-releasing it
breath entering my nostrils
lungs filling-slight catch/stop at top of inhalation
relaxing exhaling
light pouring in through my closed lids
from the left
dog settling onto the couch
on the right
thinking
doctors to call
for me
belin
rosie
appointments to make
change
so much organizing
back to my breath
rising
falling
rising
falling
sound of the pellet stove
steady companion
soothing, rhythmic
fan spinning
thinking
return to breath
aware of this shift back to breath
so aware
constant distractions
waves of distractions
maybe not
thinking
maybe just observing what is
relaxing exhale
breathing in
out
how odd to be typing with closed eyes
how amazing that my fingers remember
typos to change later I'm sure
thinking again
it's a process
it's ok
I'm ok
breathing
tingling in right foot
hot/cold all at once
ms
breathing in
out
sad and still ok
still ok
opening eyes
new awarenesses flooding my eyes, mind
breathing
returning to the room

Awareness watches the return to self, to loved ones, the space in which I am dwelling, others in the world in need of assistance, respect, love, compassion.

Awareness observes the return to whatever shows up. Awareness sees me choosing, choosing where to direct my attention. Sometimes. Sometimes my attention my is hijacked. There is no controlling it, at first. And then redirection is possible, briefly. Awareness is constantly witnessing all of this.

Awareness is like the afternoon sun breaking through winter storm clouds. Photography is a vehicle for me...a meditative practice in the art of paying attention. It is way to focus on the subtleties of light, shadow, shape, object, negative space, relationships. Beauty...sometimes. Mystery...always. Photography allows me to be present to a specific moment. Awareness reminds me that the moment is disappearing. The moment is a gift. Awareness is a gift. Observing the sun breaking through winter storm clouds...a gift.

What are you aware of in this moment?

If you are interested in Jan Lundy's 28 day Meditation Challenge click here

Aaah the Time Space Continuum

We've been watching a lot of Star Trek: Next Generation lately...

Sometime after midnight the contractions started...by 2 my water broke...by 3 we were on our way down the center of two lanes bound for the hospital in the midst of a January ice storm (the center was marginally more clear than the actual lanes)...the same hospital where my Dad was a physician for around 30 years...the same hospital where I had been born 28 years before, where we visited my Nana when I was a little girl and she was sick, where I was cared for when I had surgery on my broken elbow at age 12, where my sister was a candy-striper, my brother an orderly, emt, paramedic, nurse...our first child was on her way. That was 16 years ago. My beautiful (in oh so many ways) daughter Belin has graced our planet for exactly 16 years today!

Happy Birthday Belin!

There is a little boy I have been writing to fairly regularly of late. I have never met him or anyone in his family, but that doesn't matter, love is boundless as is compassion. I so want this little angel to celebrate his 16th birthday with his family one day. His name is Jack and he has been valiantly living with Stage IV, High Risk Neuroblastoma for the past 5 years. His Mommy Jen wrote this on his blog on New Year’s Eve while the rest of us were contemplating the passage of time in our own ways:

“I hear Jack's words, 'Why can't we make a potion to live forever!', and feel a mother's humbleness that I am so limited to ease his fear. I can only reassure him, "God is working on it, Baby..." Certainly, Jack's brilliant mind could be the one to create such a solution if not to live "forever", certainly longer than a decade. However, neuroblastoma gets so little funding to create such a potion. It is a cancer that is wired to attack like High Speed DSL, and yet the advancements to understanding it seem to crawl like snail mail... “And still I hear, "Make a potion Mommy", ring in my ears... So, here's my idea, and I'm not sure how to go about it, but know y'all will be brilliant... What if we could get some real exposure for Childhood Cancer in the popular media? No, I'm not talking about turning Jack into Ashton Kutcher, and twittering his latest chemo escapades. But, what if the world could just see his face --- The face of life and hope and compassion and humor, and really make the opportunity to embrace the humanity of this innocent sufferring? What if we could do it in a way that wasn't frightening, but rather engaging, so as to move people to open their hearts and big pharmaceuticals to open their wallets for research? WHAT IF WE COULD DO IT WITH LAUGHTER AND JOY? What if we could to it on the Ellen Show? : )”

I promised Jack in an email this morning that I would add a link to his blog and ask my blog readers to send email’s to Ellen to get this “potion party started”. So please, please consider doing this simple task today…take a peek at Jack’s blog to read more about his story, then go to Ellen and write a brief note saying you’ve heard about this little boy Jack in California who has neuroblastoma and wants to be on her show to inspire grown-ups to create the right “magic potions” to cure cancer so that boys and girls like him can be grown-ups one day too….or something to that effect.

Here’s to babies and children, teenagers and their parents, grandparents and life flowing through past, present and future continuously connecting us with boundless love!

Transformed Over Night

This is what I woke up to this morning. The woods outside my bedroom window, a frequently photographed guest on my blog, were transformed to a fairy tale wonderland while I had been sleeping. How often this has been my experience in life. I'm sleeping (aka: not paying attention) and then I eventually wake up to discover that something in my life has shifted, transformed into a kind of mysterious beauty I might not have even been able to imagine moments, hours, days, years before. Notice here that transformation can sometimes take years...and, and, and...it is not an end...the snow will melt and the woods will be changed again. As I laid in my husband's arms this morning it occurred to me that I was only 2 years older than our daughter Belin (she will be 16 in two days!) when we met and he kissed me for the first time. Oh how we have changed as individuals, as a couple in these moments, hours, days and years. A gorgeous continuous transformation that I could never have imagined when I was 18. One day at the end of August I woke up and could only see clearly out of my right eye. I was diagnosed with MS a few days later and my vision of myself, my life, was transformed. First there was fear, then a short bit of anger. Impatience became patience. Fear and anger became acceptance. Acceptance became compassion. The slowing down of my life because of the gift of MS has taught me that compassion grows and shrinks then grows again to embrace a little bit more of whatever unfolds moment to moment, hour to hour, day to day, week to week, year to year and will continue until I am no longer aware that that is what is happening.

I awoke to another lovely surprise today. My friend Jan at Awake is Good has begun a 28 day meditation challenge...an online supportive sacred community for those who wish to meditate together...beginners...all of us are beginners again and again and again, no matter how long we have meditated (or haven't meditated) in the past. Discovering Jan's loving offer would have been dayenu (enough) but then she quoted something I wrote to her about her vow to practice some form of meditation everyday this year, right above a quote from ALAN WATTS! If you are going to be a warm up band that's a pretty awesome gig! (I had no idea what I wrote in a comment had made such an impact on her, wow! I feel deeply honored, thank you Jan.) One of the first books I ever tried to read on the subject of consciousness and reality was way back in college. My dear friend Art Baner handed me a book by Alan Watts. I don't remember the title. I don't even remember what was written in that book (this is what I mean by tried to read)...it was beyond my level of philosophical, theological and psycho-spiritual comprehension at that time (now too, probably!)...but I knew it was powerful and something about it resonated for me. It was a subtle (subtle only because I didn't "get it") nudge to wake up, pay attention, step inside myself in order to move beyond myself...I wasn't ready then...I had a lot of suffering and unconsciousness to experience first before I could begin to see the gifts held in suffering and unconsciousness (yes, I think there are blessings in these seemingly unhelpful states of being too!) This brings me back to Jan's blog post and supportive sacred community. Delving into the present moment, not trying to change it, hold it, control it in any way...just noticing what IS...that for me has been the key to unlocking the door to the room of hidden treasures that my life has been all along. You might discover this for yourself too if you choose to accept Jan's challenge (a vow to meditate in some form everyday for the next 28 days). Transformation happens. It is not always grand transformation. It is not always enjoyable transformation. It is not always clear transformation (at least not at first). But if you pay attention you might notice that you are noticing more...while sitting, breathing, walking, listening, painting, dancing, photographing, writing, singing, chanting, eating, laughing, working, living. You might. Maybe 28 days will become 56 or 112, 224, 488 or the rest of your life. You will gradually notice that time has passed...that your body feels different, that your viewpoint has shifted...that what you thought was true was true, but now it isn't. Jan will be our gentle guide on this adventure for the next 28 days (starting Sunday, January 3rd)...offering her observations about her own practice, meditation suggestions, a free conference call, guest interviews...and we, any of us, from anywhere in the world can jump on this meditation magic school bus and learn together as we traverse this short journey to who knows where? Hop over to Awake is Good find out more about the 28 Day Meditation Challenge.

Remember this is about awareness...not the form of your meditation practice. This is meditation in a broadest definition possible-you get to make up that definition for yourself. So it might look like a cup of tea sipped silently but with dedicated attention to the color of the tea, the fragrance arising from the steam, the warmth of the cup in your hands, the taste of the tea on your togue, the sound of swallowing the first sip, the weight of the cup as you take it from your lips back to the table. Your meditation practice doesn't have to be sitting completely still for 45 minutes...it could be...but it doesn't have to be. The only thing to lose (I think) by giving this a try is a belief that we can't meditate...or meditate "right". And that's just silly. Of course we can. By the way, 5 minutes of paying attention to your breath a day totally counts (at least in my book!)...more is great if you can commit to more. Be compassionate and accept that 5 minutes might just be enough for you in your life right now. (I don't know if Jan would agree with this, 5 minutes deal, but my Kaizen Muse training tells me it's OK.)

I look forward to reading about your meditation journeys on your blogs, Jan's blog, or via e-mails...this is so cool!
blessings to all,
Laura